Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Soak the young

I have had a smashing idea. Perhaps, to be scrupulously dishonest, I should say Fruitcake has had a smashing idea. For those new to Fruitcake Miniature College, I should explain that Fruitcake is our Principal, and the College is my response to redundancy. It's Miniature because, at present, it consists of two small part-time English Language classes. Those of us here have to fulfill many functions, hence a principal who is a cat.

What gave Fruitcake our smashing idea was the fact that at this college we are concerned with teaching fee-paying young people, just as the universities are. Now as I recall, there is a problem with young people, especially at university. In my day, we spent so much time jumping individualistically about in a crowded Student Union 'disco' to Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones that we were easily inculcated with revolutionary notions by communist lecturers. All that inhaling and Bob Dylan made it even worse. We got it all for free, as you will keep hearing, if our parents were below a certain income level, and then we took our revolutionary zeal (surely the 70s equivalent of Islamic extremism) into the jobs we reluctantly got in the teaching profession, probation service, and so forth. My goodness we were almost French. Luckily the 1980s stamped that all out, bar a brief to-do over the pole-tax. The point is that society must not face the  dangers we presented ever again, particularly as we are promised such very hard times.

This is what we must do. The young must first be convinced that they haven't got a hope of getting out stacking shelves at Asda unless they go to university. Then they must acquire so much debt that their only thought on graduating is to get whatever job they can (for no wages to start with if necessary). On top of that, they must be in mortal dread of ever buying a house, because a tiny breezeblock and plasterboard construction built over a sports field near their dismal place of work must cost a gadzillion quid. Only then, will any ideas inherited from their dreadful old property-owning hippy parents be squashed for ever. They will be just too tired and depressed to ingest the vile propaganda of Mumford and Sons (try to keep up) in their discotheques. No more whirling lasers and vodka jellies for them. Come the revolution they will just catch the bus to their call centre and start ringing me up about insurance or gas supply.

Unfortunately there is a small  problem with our smashing idea; someone else has had it already. Today the Browne report came out, and it recommends that universities in England should be able to charge whatever level of tuition fees they want. Still, many careers in management have been built on being second or third with an idea. Also, I think you'll agree, our scheme goes beyond mere education, though it still may not be all that original. Nevertheless if Fruitcake and his staff espouse it loudly we may pick up some useful business. This is the Big Society after all, and entrepreneurs like us need to stand up and be awarded the contracts.

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