Q: Why do anarchists only ever make tea from tea-bags?
A: Because proper tea is theft (With thanks to Lindyhop)
Q: Why don't you see many paramedics at posh tea parties?
A: Because they are usually too busy dealing with casualties?
Q: Why do eccentrics suddenly go back to having tea at 4.30?
A: Because they long to return to normality?
And so on
And so on
In the Barnsley by-election Labour come first, UKIP come second and the Conservatives come third. Fourth are the BNP, fifth is an independent ... and Nick Clegg says "We have proved them wrong in the past and we will prove them wrong again."
David Cameron decides to visit the desert while his friend Nick goes skiing. One day he comes to a wadi where a man is giving his camels a drink. "What is the most important thing your country can teach ours?" the man asks. "Democracy," says David at once. He carries on through the heat and comes to another wadi where a group of women are getting water. "What is the most important quality of life in your country?" they ask him. "The freedom to decide our own future," he says." Then, towards evening as he approaches a little town, a group of local dignitaries come to meet him. "You are very welcome to our hospitality," they tell him, "but why have you brought those arms dealers with you? " "Crikey!" David exclaims, turning round suddenly. "How did they get there?"
Nick Clegg goes skiing while his friend David is away in the Middle East and finds that he's unexpectedly popular on the piste. One person slids up to him and shakes him warmly by the glove. "Congratulations," they say "on embracing realpolitik." Another comes up and says "Congratulations on not letting Liberal principles get in the way of the Coalition." Then someone comes up and says "Congratulations on being the person in charge in the UK." "Crikey!" Nick exclaims, nearly falling off his skis. "How did that happen?"
Q: Why are pirates pirates?
A: Just because they 'arghh.'
The Evening Post is interviewing Long John Silver, a well-known Bristol Rovers supporter:
EP: Tell me, Mr Silver, how did you lose the leg?
LJS: Powder keg next to I went off and took me old leg 'an all.
EP: And why the hook, Mr Silver?
LJS: 'Twas 'and to 'and wi' Black Pete. Ee ad me 'and but I 'ad 'is black 'eart. Ah-hargh!
EP: And how did you lose the eye?
LJS: A seagull 'ad un.
EP: A seagull?
LJS: Argh, 'ee shit right in me eye!
EP: You mean seagull poo makes you blind?
LJS: Nay lad, I forgot about the 'ook.
A pirate is walking along the busy quayside with a parrot on his shoulder. A landlubber comes up to him, admiringly and says "Where did you get him?" "Oh, there are loads of them round here," the parrot replies.
Someone goes into a bar and asks for something. The person behind the bar makes an amusing rejoinder.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. "Que clase de chiste es este?" says one member of the bar staff. "Je ne sais pas," replies the other, but Stephen Fry sitting in the corner has a chuckle.
- There isn't another word for synonym
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
- Understatement is OK but hyperbole is totally fantastic