Friday, 19 November 2010

Giving up drugs and thanking the Lord

Good news - I've kicked the drugs. The other good news comes from Lord Young, until recently our Prime Minister's enterprise adviser (neither do I). Lord Young told the Daily Telegraph that during the 'so-called recession' most of us had 'never had it so good.' On top of this wonderful news, I have also cured the common cold, which I will come to in a moment, but first I must thank Lord Young.

You see, I had thought that I had been made redundant in uncertain times late in my career with negative consequences for a public sector pension characterised as 'gold-plated' but amounting to maybe £8000 pa (please count those noughts carefully before dividing by 12). It turns out I was wrong, and I have this magnificently wizened specimen from Margaret Thatcher's former cabinet to thank for the relief brought about by this correction of my perceptions. I am sure my former students would join me in gratitude for his reassurance that 'the vast majority of  people [...] have never had it so good.' The fact that interest rates have been 0.5 for the last 18 months is not lost on us either, even though most of my former students pay rent rather than mortgages. Nevertheless, it's a comfort to us all that capital is cheap at the moment, if you can persuade anyone to lend you any.

So I am disappointed in that otherwise terrific David Cameron and his swash-buckling coalition of right thinking merchant venturers. It seems they do not have the courage of Lord Young's convictions. There have been retractions and apologies, and now Lord Young has resigned. Disgraceful! The man said what the rest of the crew are thinking. Do you really want the voters to get the impression you are ashamed of such 'insensitive views'? Anyway, he's certainly opened my eyes. I'm not redundant, I'm self employed. The coffers of FMC are not perilously low but have huge capacity for future funds.

It may also be that my cure for the common cold can cure political perspective too. It is a herbal treatment of my own - or rather a radical one - using horseradish root (radix radicis root - keep up at the back). I was making horseradish sauce. The piece of root I was pounding was particularly pungent, so I was weeping and streaming copiously while listening to the news, which was fizzing at Lord Young's comments. Lo, my cold felt ten times better, I skipped my dose of Day Nurse, and gave thanks to the Lord.

Return soon for the recipe for horseradish sauce and a cure for the common recession.


  1. Give this man his own newspaper column! Old-fashioned I know but, on that theme, isn't the usual cure for the common recession GUNS, and plenty of them?

  2. Thanks DWH, it would help pay the bills. You're right of course about the guns. I was rather hoping sarcasm might do the trick this time round